


love is not a victory march (it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah)

by imposterhuman



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Introspection, M/M, Some Fluff, Steve Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unhappy Ending, but you really have to squint for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:42:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22127332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: They meet in a clash of words, hurling insults like they were born to do it, born to hate and be hated. Steve doesn’t back down and neither does Tony, both too afraid to show weakness. It ends with an explosion, but not one of their own making, and they don’t talk about it again. Maybe that’s their first mistake.But they meet, and Steve thinks,I would let him break my heart.He thinks,I would let him tear me to pieces, if he’ll only fix me first so I know what it feels like to be whole.He thinks,I could love him.He thinks,I won’t love him.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	love is not a victory march (it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah)

**Author's Note:**

> i am Angsty so thats what yall are getting today! also steve and tony are the definition of a tragic love story, change my mind
> 
> enjoy :))

Steve and Tony fall in and out of love in a series of mistakes.

They meet in a clash of words, hurling insults like they were born to do it, born to hate and be hated. Steve doesn’t back down and neither does Tony, both too afraid to show weakness. It ends with an explosion, but not one of their own making, and they don’t talk about it again. Maybe that’s their first mistake. 

But they meet, and Steve thinks,  _ I would let him break my heart.  _ He thinks,  _ I would let him tear me to pieces, if he’ll only fix me first so I know what it feels like to be whole.  _ He thinks,  _ I could love him.  _

He thinks,  _ I won’t love him.  _

If that’s their first mistake, then Steve is at fault for the second. He leaves in the wake of the destruction of a city-  _ his city _ , but it doesn’t feel like it anymore, with its towering impersonality- to find who he wants to be in this age of warmth after an eternity of ice. He leaves the man he will never love to sweep up the ashes and rebuild with a handshake and a vague promise to return.

Steve realises his second mistake somewhere around Illinois, but he doesn’t turn around until he hits Colorado. He never does reach California, where Tony recommended a great sushi place. He goes to Tony, instead, which is better.

Tony makes the third mistake, when he opens the door at two in the morning and ushers Steve inside. So much pain (and joy, too) would have been avoided had he left it closed. But Tony was never one to turn away a friend, and Steve had always fallen in love too easily. 

Tony opens his door, and Steve comes inside. They talk. When they go their separate ways (to sleep on separate floors, rather than separate states), Tony gives Steve a real smile, and Steve gives one back. This is their third mistake, though neither think of it that way.

_ I could love him,  _ Tony thinks instead.  _ I could give him the broken bits of me and trust him not to break me more. _

_ I could love him _ , he thinks.  _ But I won’t. _

Tony makes the fourth mistake, too: he kisses Steve. It isn’t love when he does it; it’s barely even like. It’s  _ oh my god, shut up _ and  _ I could want you  _ and  _ hold me closer, hold me tighter _ . But it’s not love. Their kiss tastes like the blood of Tony’s busted lip from their latest battle, like the anxious tears Steve would never admit to shedding, and the drugs Tony is on for his three broken ribs. 

(So maybe there is like, and maybe there is love. But neither will admit it, and that’s what matters, isn’t it?)

There are more mistakes by both of them, made in beds, in the common room, even the kitchen. They are kisses, soft touches, and whispered confessions of something they both swore they’d never feel.

_ I love him _ , Steve thinks, brushing kisses down Tony’s body, every breath a prayer in perfect piety. 

_ I love him _ , Tony thinks, blasting enemies away from Steve’s unprotected back, keeping him safe with fear and fury. 

_ I love him,  _ they think, and it is a  _ mistake _ . Because for all they claim to be shields, they’re swords. They’re weapons, Steve and Tony, and they were built to hurt and be hurt. Their love is blood-forged, seeped in pain and suffering, and they don’t know any better. They can’t know any better. 

They carve their love in the softest parts of each other, and act surprised when it scars. When they are left a little less than they were. But they kiss each other’s scars and move on.

Maybe it’s not a mistake. Maybe they could love each other and be loved by each other, maybe they don’t have to be broken to  _ feel _ . And for a while, it’s enough. The only pain Steve feels is the ring burning a hole in his pocket, because Tony has sanded down his rough edges and sewn his scraps into a whole person. And Tony can smile for real with his broken cogs and faulty wiring safely in Steve’s hands, rather than crushed under his boot. 

But then Steve finds Bucky, finds a monster he thought he’d died to kill, and finds truth. And he makes another mistake. His silence will damn him, he knows, but he kisses Tony all the same. He makes a choice, and he chooses wrong. 

_ I love him,  _ Steve thinks.  _ And this will hurt him. So I won’t tell him.  _

_ I love him _ , he thinks, and he stays silent. Guilt is surprisingly tasteless against Tony’s mouth. Maybe he’s too used to it, or maybe there’s no guilt at all. Maybe it’s righteousness he tastes. 

But maybe it’s not. Maybe its crushing terror, and his lover is the only safe island in a sea of it. Maybe terror sews his mouth shut, but maybe it doesn’t.

Steve doesn’t know, either. This one is not so much a mistake, not when he deliberately lives and breathes the lie, but he has no other word for it. 

Tony makes mistakes, too, and they pile up, up, up. He feels like he’s drowning in Steve’s eyes, but they’re filled with disapproval, not love. He makes a mistake when Steve leaves for a mission and Tony doesn’t say  _ I love you  _ before he goes. He barely grunts out  _ come home safe.  _ Because it’s not his home, not anymore.  _ Steve  _ doesn’t feel like home. 

_ I want to love him,  _ Tony reminds himself, and it is enough. A part of him will always be Steve’s. And Tony still wants to be Steve’s. So Tony reaches across the divide, the chasm that has grown between them where there used to be nothing but SteveandTony, and Steve reaches back.

They find each other again, and it doesn’t even take broken bones for them to kiss and make up. 

They stop counting the mistakes; there are too many now. Maybe that, in itself, is a mistake.

When they are thrown on opposite sides, those mistakes are all they can think of. It’s venom between them, the hatred of a love turned sour. Tony’s tongue is barbed wire and Steve’s fists are clenched. They are weapons, the same ones they’ve always been, and they are turned on each other. And weapons know no mercy, and no regret.

_ I love him,  _ Tony thinks, firing a blast at Steve’s retreating form.  _ It’s not enough. _

They meet in Siberia, and it comes to a head. Every lie, every truth, every whispered sweet nothing falls apart in the face of two perfect strangers who can’t trust each other enough to lay their weapons down. Tony’s wedding ring burns, and Steve isn’t even wearing his. They both can’t help but to wonder where it all went wrong. Tony thinks of letting Steve in to his Tower, into his home, and into his heart. Steve thinks of earlier, of a lonely state where he realised that the only man that felt like he could be home was a thousand miles away.

They think of their mistakes, and when the fateful video plays, they forget that they were born of love. 

_ I could hate him _ , Tony thinks, and he strikes like a weapon that will never know peace. 

Steve makes the last mistake when he brings his shield down. He was wrong, when they first met; he thought Tony would break his heart, but the arc reactor sputters and fails, and he realises it was always going to be the other way around.

_ I love him _ , Steve thinks.  _ And now we are both broken. _

**Author's Note:**

> i experimented with style here, so let me know what you guys thought of it? also spot the hozier references! there are a couple bc the title was originally different, so if anything sounds particularly poetic i probably borrowed it from the fae prince himself
> 
> comments and kudos make me smile :))
> 
> yell at me on tumblr [@imposter-human](https://imposter-human.tumblr.com/)


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